In my culture, you will frequently hear the remark: ”Kwani hujipendi?” every time you do something that clearly depicts you don’t value yourself. The phrase simply means; ”Don’t you love yourself?”

By the way, that’s Swahili language, mostly spoken in East African countries. I like this phrase for it depicts that a person who loves and respects themselves would not act in ways that may be harmful to them or others. If that is the case, then why is self-love often conceptualized as selfish, egotistic and narcissistic?

We live in a society that gratifies self sacrifice and martyrdom, at the expense of our own needs. It is no wonder that we suffer from mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. Seriously, how can you give when your cup is empty?

You can’t. Because there is nothing to give!

Belief in this kind of misguided thinking has lead most of us to neglect our own well being, constantly seeking external validation or prioritizing others’ opinions over our own needs. I bet that explains why most of us are so miserable.

The good news is that our beliefs and identities are not set in stone. We can learn and gain new perspectives to better ourselves and others. This is what this article will help you with.

What is self-love?

Self-love is the practice of caring for and valuing oneself. It involves recognizing and accepting our strengths, weaknesses and flaws; nurturing both our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

For self-love to thrive, we must learn to accept, forgive and be compassionate to ourselves. We tend to think that self-love involves only the adoration of our strengths but it also involves accepting our flaws and embracing our demons.

Self-love isn’t just about getting massages, bath bombs or buying things we like, it is also entails doing things that we may not like to do because they are good for us in the long term. A perfect example to illustrate this is: ”Exercising everyday even when you don’t feel like it, because it is good for your health.”

This explains why discipline is regarded as the highest form of self-love. When we practice discipline, we are investing in our future selves by maintaining healthy habits, setting and achieving goals, and making choices that are in alignment with our values. This requires self respect reflecting a deep sense of caring for your well-being. In essence, discipline is a manifestation of self-love in action.

Do You Hate Yourself? : Signs That You Struggle with self-love.

• You constantly criticize yourself and use derogatory language about yourself
• You have unrealistically high standards and you often feel like a failure even when you achieve significant accomplishments
• You often withdraw from social interactions and avoid relationships believing that others won’t accept or value you
• You rely heavily on external approval and validation to feel worthy and often feel devastated when its not received
• You actively sabotage your own happiness or success because you subconsciously believe you don’t deserve it
• You are often overly critical of yourself in times of failure or difficulty.
• You tend to avoid self-reflection or introspection because it brings up uncomfortable feelings about yourself
• You believe you are fundamentally flawed and broken
• You experience persistent feelings of guilt and shame, even for minor mistakes
• You neglect your personal hygiene
• Physically or emotionally harming yourself as a way to cope with internal pain

If you relate to some or most of the signs mentioned above, I am sending you all the love and support that you need. You are not alone, neither are you fundamentally flawed. You deserve love and happiness. In fact, love and happiness is the very nature of your true Self. The forgotten part of you.

I started my own self-love journey about four years ago after an intense spiritual awakening process. An experience that connected me to parts of myself that I had long forgotten. I know this is not an uncommon experience. And therefore would like to connect with other like minded individuals. Chances are that you are currently going through a spiritual awakening or are on a healing and recovery journey, if you relate.

Please join the Seekers Community and let us connect. I would love to hear your story or learn from you!

6 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Love Yourself

Reading through the list of reasons why you may be struggling with self-love may be triggering. However, I invite you to read through this with an open mind and an understanding that self-awareness is the first step towards healing. Slow down and take a deep breathe if you need to. Rather than running, sit with it. That is the only way to heal.

1. Unresolved Past Traumas

Unresolved traumas and regrets hinders our ability to love ourselves by creating emotional barriers that impact how we perceive and value ourselves.

Imagine someone who experienced childhood trauma such as emotional neglect or abuse. As a result, they may develop deep-seated beliefs that they are unlovable, unworthy of care, or inherently flawed.

How would a person who believes that they are fundamentally flawed, unlovable and unworthy think, feel and act?

Definitely not through a positive lens. The trauma creates a distorted self-image that makes it hard for the person to accept love and kindness from themselves or others. As a result, they may have a hard time forming healthy relationships, engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, and constantly seek external validation to feel the void left by the unhealed trauma.

2. Unresolved Regrets

Now, let us consider someone who experienced a significant regret, perhaps related to a past decision that led to negative consequences. If they are unable to forgive themselves or learn from the experience, the regret may fester, contributing to feelings of guilt, shame and self blame.

We are bound to the emotions from experiences we have not learned from, forgiven, or let go of.

Therefore, the unsolved regret becomes a barrier to self-love as they may define themselves as their past mistake, feeling unworthy of forgiveness or deserving of ongoing punishment.

3. Negative Self-Talk and a Harsh Inner Critic

”I’m such a failure. I can’t believe I messed up again.”

”I always let myself down. I’ll never succeed in anything.”

The inner critic. Always watching your every move so to criticize you of every mistake or perceived failure. If you constantly believe your inner critic without question, ultimately, you start to avoid taking on new challenges out of fear of failure and that leads to missed opportunities for growth. The negative self-talk becomes a barrier to self-love as your thoughts perpetuate a cycle of self-sabotage and low self-esteem.

4. Comparing yourself to others

How many times have you fallen into the trap of comparing yourself to others? If you struggle with self-love, I bet it could be quite often. Constantly comparing ourselves to others leads to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, envy, and a sense that we are not measuring up to an idealized standard set by others.

What happens next? We begin to believe that our worth is determined by external achievements and comparisons. That leads to neglecting to appreciate our unique strengths and accomplishments. How then can you say you love yourself when you deny the very things that make you who you are?

5. Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of high standards, usually masked by an intense fear of making mistakes or falling short of one’s expectations. We tend to emphasize our flaws and downplay our achievements. Any deviation from perfection is seen as a flaw or personal failure. This sets us up for constant self-criticism, making it hard to appreciate our efforts and achievements.

6. Neglecting Self-care

We begin to ”die” when we constantly overlook our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. Failing to engage in self-care sends a subconscious message that our own needs are not important. This can contribute to a diminished sense of self-value, making it difficult to treat ourselves with love and respect.

Now that we have a deep understanding of where our struggles may stem from, Let us apply this new understanding to help us learn to love ourselves.

16 Ways to Cultivate Authentic Self-Love

Cultivating authentic self-love involves embracing our True Selves, acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses, and living in alignment with our values.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same empathy you will offer a dear friend. Be kind and understanding to yourself, especially in moments of difficulty. Be your ally in the journey of self-love.

2. Embrace Your Imperfections

The beauty of imperfection is that it allows us to see our own humanity.

anonymous

When we accept and acknowledge our imperfections, we reveal our true selves without pretense. It is only then, that we accept others. This cultivates empathy for ourselves and others. When we accept that we are not perfect, we open ourselves to continuous improvement and self-discovery.

Embracing imperfections allows us to appreciate the distinctiveness of each person. It highlights the beauty found in the quirks, idiosyncrasies, and unique qualities that make us who we are.

3. Forgive Yourself

Let go of past mistakes and forgive yourself. The only way to move forward is to let go of what is holding you back. Understand that everyone makes errors, and these do not define your worth. Letting go may not be as easy as it sounds but it is possible.

4. Celebrate Your Achievements

Recognize, acknowledge, and celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem. Don’t wait for others to applaud you, celebrate yourself.

5. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Every time you catch yourself engaging in self-talk that is aimed to criticize, judge, or make you worry; challenge the incessant voice that seeks to paralyze you and replace it with positive and encouraging thoughts or words. Use words that counteract your negative self-talk and ask the critical voice to be kind or to keep quiet

6. Practice inner work

Inner work is the practice of shining our light of consciousness into the unconscious aspects of ourselves that may be negatively influencing our thoughts, behaviors and emotions. Practicing inner work is such a profound approach to deep emotional healing and cultivating a deeper connection to our true selves.

There are three cornerstones of inner work:

• Self-Love
• Inner child work
• Shadow work

If you have just started the path of healing and recovery, or need some inspiration, this article offers you that. However, if you prefer a more guided approach, I recommend that you check out the following journals from lonerwolf.com.

• Self-love journal– Self-love is the best to begin before delving into the other
• Inner child work journal– Healing and nourishing your inner child
• Shadow work journal– Provides a deep delve into inner work, illuminating the dark side of our psyche.

7. Practice Meditation and Mindfulness

Engage in mindfulness meditation to help you cultivate present-moment awareness. When you are in the present moment, it possible to observe your thoughts without judgement and this promotes self-awareness and a sense of inner peace. You can find various guided meditation on Youtube or download guided meditation apps. My favorite is Insight timer meditation app. It has a variety of guided meditations for free!

8. Identify Your Core Beliefs

Core beliefs are deeply ingrained, fundamental convictions and assumptions that we hold about ourselves, others, and the world. These beliefs are often formed early in life and often shape our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Core beliefs influence how we interpret events, make decisions, and interact with the world around us.

Read More: Toxic Core Beliefs: 9 ways to Transmute Them

9. Start Reading and Learning

Read books! Non-fictional books on personal development, psychology and spirituality. Learning from the experiences and insights of others can provide valuable perspectives and insights. Feed your mind with information that aids your growth and evolution.

10. Release Judgements

Practice non-judgmental awareness. Let go of harsh self-judgements and cultivate a mindset of curiosity and acceptance of what is.

11. Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries

Define and clearly communicate your personal boundaries in relationships, at work or with toxic people or family members. Learn to say ”no” without feeling guilty. Otherwise you set yourself up for constant burnout and emotional exhaustion.

Read More: Mastering boundaries: A comprehensive Guide to Define, Set and Navigate Personal and Professional Limits

12. Cultivate Gratitude

Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.

~Eckhart Tolle

Regularly express gratitude for the positive aspects of your life. Focusi ng on what you are thankful for enhances your overall well-being.

13. Prioritize Self-care

There is a profound connection between your physical and mental well-being. Therefore, it is important that you prioritize healthy habits such as regular exercise, proper nutrition and getting adequate sleep. You can start by cutting out junk food, taking morning and evening walks or runs and getting 7-8 hours of sleep.

14. Start journaling

Journaling about your thoughts, feelings and experiences helps you become more aware of your emotions, thought patterns and behaviors. This heightened awareness is a crucial step towards developing self-love. Journaling has tremendous benefits and has personally been a great companion in my own journey of self-discovery. I highly recommend starting a journal!

Read More: How to Journal: 19 Beginner tips for modern Mystics

15. Creative Expression

Engage in creative activities such as writing, art, or music. Do more of the things you used to love when you were a child. Creative expression can be a powerful outlet for emotions and self-discovery.

16. Seek Therapy and Counseling

Seek professional support through therapy or counseling. A mental health professional can provide guidance, insights, and tools for addressing deeper issues.

Why it may be stressful to practice self-love: What to do.

Cultivating self-love is no different from cultivating a new habit. You are learning to love yourself after years of acting out of self-hate and that is bound to feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

Read more: Why Habit Change is Hard and How to Make it Stick: Insights From Atomic Habits by James Clear

You will have moments when you will feel that you are not doing enough. Other times, you may hold yourself to high standards and expectations, making the whole process counterproductive. I urge you see these moments as opportunities to get to practice self-compassion.

You are going to slide back into your old patterns from time to time, and that is okay. Make sure that you understand and be kind to yourself. Use these moments to practice talking to yourself with love and kindness. Be your best cheer leader and encourage yourself to get back up.

Rivers know this: There is no hurry. We shall get there someday.

~A.A Milne , From Winnie the Pooh

Start working on one thing at a time so you don’t feel overwhelmed. Remember to be patient with yourself. In my experience, from a number of healthy habits I have worked to cultivate, I realized that you eventually get a hang of it if you practice patience and self-compassion. The first days are usually the hardest, but things get better as you keep at it. Be gentle, even with your inability to love yourself at first. That is the very essence of self-love, right?

It is okay to make mistakes, it is okay to be flawed. As long as you keep trying, persisting and moving forward little by little. Approach self-love practices with flexibility, understanding that their function is to contribute positively to your well-being rather than becoming stressors themselves.

Conclusion

 

Cultivating self-love is not just a luxury, but a fundamental aspect of leading a healthy, fulfilling life.

Without self-love, we are bound to experience a life of emptiness, emotional distress, unhealthy relationships, self sabotage and self-loathing.

What will we chose?

I hope this article has helped remind you of the value of self-love. Please share it with someone in your life who you feel might benefit from self-love.

All in all, what is your perspective on self-love? What are some of the lessons you have learnt in your own path? Please share in the comments!

Below are some inspiring quotes to act as reminders on your self-love journey.

Inspiring Quotes on Self-Love: Reminders on Your Self-Love Journey

The more you love yourself, the less nonsense you’ll tolerate.

~Unknown

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.

~Unknown

Self-love is the source of all our other loves.

~ Pierre Corneille

Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

~Unknown

You were born to be real, not to be perfect.

~Unknown

Self-love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself.

~Unknown

You are enough just as you are.

~Meghan Markle

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

~Robert Morley

Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it.

~Unknown

Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

~Unknown

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.

~Brene’ Brown

When I loved myself enough, I began to listen to my own body.

~Unknown

The most important thing in the world is to learn to give out love and let it come in.

~Morrie Schwartz

To love one-self is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

~Joan Didion

Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all times.

~Unknown

You carry so much love in your heart. Give some to yourself.

~R.Z

Love yourself and dream bigger.

~Teresa Collins

The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.

~Robert Hand

You task is not to seek for love but merely seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

~Rumi

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

~Sharon Salzberg

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

Robert Holden

Self-love is the key to healthy, happy relationship with others.

~Louise Hay

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

~Howard Thurman

When you recover or discover something that nourishes yourself and brings joy, care enough about yourself and make room for it in your life.

~Jean Shinoda Bolen

You are the one that possesses the keys to your being. You carry the passport to your own happiness.

~Diane von Fursternberg

Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. you really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

~Lucille Ball

The moment you become sure that you are going to be okay, everything falls into place.

~Iyanla Vanzant

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs, and habits- anything that kept me small.

~Kim McMillen

The first step towards self-love is to become mindful. You are not your thought; you are what you choose to believe.

~Wayne Dyer

Love is the greatest miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.

~Loise Hay

Self-love is my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.

~William Shakespeare

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.

~Steve Maraboli

You are your best thing.

~Toni Morrison

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to one-self.

Michel de Montaigne

If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.

~Charles Bukowski